Intrigued by the ‘darker side of sex’? Know what you’re ‘into’? Or simply have a curiosity about kink? Thankfully, BDSM dating sites and apps exist.
Dating can seem a daunting challenge. Luckily we've got apps that are specifically designed to connect open-minded enthusiasts And can make finding someone who shares your tastes a whole lot easier.
Digital dating platforms have proved ever-popular in recent years. The taboo is gone. There's never been a better time to explore your online options to interact. I’ll talk you through my favorite 10 and let you in on which ones have worked for me.
What is a BDSM dating site?
A BDSM dating site is essentially just like any other online dating platform. Whether you’re seeking a potential long-term partner, the love of your life or simply a fantastic fuck you can find it.
Opportunities to meet like-minded people online have never been more abundant.
And just as with the vanilla world of virtual dating, the kinky community has a whole host of sites designed to streamline that search – albeit with the extra angle of connecting your kinks as well as other interests.
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What kinds of people use BDSM dating sites?
Among those signing up to a dating site, chances are you’ve got one thing in common: an interest in BDSM. Be it a casual curiosity, or a fully-fledged devotion too an aspect of the BDSM world.
Perhaps you’re most comfortable chatting virtually before agreeing to meet, or it could be you’re not quite so confident approaching someone in real life.
As well as offering a far greater scope of options, maybe meeting online offers the anonymity you’re after. Especially with some of the ‘sensitive subjects’ and sexual kinks you’re going to be discussing.
Or if, like me, you’re entirely ‘out and open’ about your sexual fetishes, you still need to find people to indulge them with. Something the internet has made far easier!
Are BDSM dating sites safe?
BDSM dating sites aren’t, as a rule, any more or less safe than their vanilla counterparts. But as with any online experience – especially one where you’re going to be sharing personal information. It’s best to keep your wits about you.
Luckily, moderators help to keep fake profiles and so-called ‘catfish’ to a minimum.
In terms of meeting in real life, I wouldn’t recommend rushing into a scene. Especially not one involving physical restraint or impact play. Until you’ve well-established your boundaries and level of trust.
However, most genuine people will be only too eager to have conversations abound safewords etc . (if they’re not, move on!). Luckily, the sense of responsibility shared by the BDSM community promotes education, trust, and accountability.
What is the BDSM community like?
On the whole, the BDSM world is a very tolerant, open-minded one. Respect is a big thing: of each other’s interests, preferences, boundaries, and limits. Many people interested in the BDSM lifestyle are more than happy to show a newbie the ropes (no pun intended) or to keep a watchful eye out for someone’s safety. It’s all about peer support from sympathetic, supportive, sociable people.
Some kinksters, including those signing up for dating sites – may choose not to engage with the wider community. But I really recommend getting to know some people socially. As well as offering fun, friendship, advice and education on the lifestyle, an established network can help offer pointers on who they consider ‘safe’. Raising any red flags long before you’ve wasted your time.
So, ready to dive into the BDSM dating game?
In the section below we'll be discussing our top 10 picks. Along with the pros, cons, community and safety of each...
SITE 1: Fetlife (www.fetlife.com) – ‘The social network for the BDSM, fetish and kinky community’
Pros: Although not one of our "official" BDSM dating sites. Fetlife was just too good to leave out. It's is a social media platform designed with the kinky community in mind.
Forget Facebook: here you can explore your fetishes without having to worry about judgement. The homepage is designed as a friends’ news feed, with toolbar options to navigate through groups, events and ‘explore’ popular posts – and unlike other sites, there’s no censorship on photos.
Cons: Fetlife isn’t designed as a dating website – there are no ‘seeking’ preferences, and any interactions are made through conversations instigated on the site itself (or in a direct message). If you’re looking for a quick fuck, it’s not impossible, but perhaps this isn’t the platform for you.
Community: Fetlife is all about the community – informing, educating and inspiring. Lists of events can be filtered according to geographical location, and you can find ‘friends’ before approaching a real-life play party on your own! There’s a lot of quality user content uploaded, from photos to written experiences and personal articles, allowing a genuine layer of insight often lacking elsewhere.
Safety: Under ‘help’ topics, a section is dedicated to safety, including advice about blocking contact from other members. Inappropriate users can also be issued with a ‘time out’ or ‘Fetlife restraining order’ from the admin team, which may escalate into a permanent block.
Cost: As a free user, I’ve never felt restricted in what this site has to offer. However, for $5/month (available in 6, 12 or 24 month instalments), you can scroll back 25x further through your feed as well as access more videos and photos, including today’s ‘kinky and popular’.
6 months = $30, 12 months = $60
My experience: I’ve been a regular user of this site for over a decade and it’s a great community. I’ve met all sorts of people – including long term friends, play partners and relationships. A must-have resource.
SITE 2: KinkD (www.kinkd.com) –‘Your kinky dating app’
Pros: Looking for a kinky dating app that doesn’t look at all deviant? Visually, the vibe’s a lot more vanilla than some; a predominately white screen with blue sidebars that could easily pass as a standard matchmaking platform. And it’s designed with dating in mind. Regarding kink-specific interests, KinkD offers a wide range of options – from more traditional Master, Mistress, switch, submissive and slave – to fetishist, kinkster, pet, brat, primal and hedonist.
Cons: As kink sites go, it’s kept pretty clean, at least in imagery. All photo uploads – including profile pictures – must adhere to certain standards. Namely, no ‘nudity, minimally clothed, sexually suggestive poses, photo that depicts sexual aids and fetishes’. Although it’s refreshing not to scroll through endless dick pics from the outset, the site does have a very vanilla flavor.
Community: This is a site for engaging with individuals rather than focusing on an educational aspect. However, in terms of a collective community, ‘KinkD charmers’ are members with the most votes in the current month, who benefit from higher search listings.
Safety: Upon login, the app will ask if you’d like to set an optional extra security feature (a touch-screen code) to help counter anyone else from accessing your account via your phone. This is a reassuring feature and really worth using.
Cost: Free users can instigate one conversation a day. Premium grants unlimited messages, allows you to see users who viewed your profile (and initiate conversations with them), and grants access to your followers list.
1 month = £12.99, 3 months = £30.99, 6 months = £46.99.
My experience: Without paying for premium, I did find this a little restrictive. However, if you want the best of both worlds – a ‘normal-looking’ dating app with kinky connotations – this is the app you need.
SITE 3: FetD – (search for the app) – ‘Dating app for fetish and kinky community’
Pros: Does what it says in the description – a dating app with a kink-focused slant. It’s inclusive with its identity options, with a variety of roles - from Dominant, switch and submissive to hedonist, kinkster, cuckold, brat, pet, or even undecided. In terms of ‘looking for’ preferences, it also includes crossdressing and transgender options. Lists of who views, likes, or matches you are also fairly user-friendly.
Cons: Primarily, the user interface took a little getting used to. I’m used to swiping left or right on a picture to like a profile (or not) - here, it’s up and down to get to the next on the list. You also have to use the buttons within the app – clicking ‘back’ on the bottom browser of your phone will exit the app altogether, rather than returning you to the previous page.
Community: Although you can ‘search suggested matches’, there isn’t any wider community element on this one.
Safety: Admin team state they aim to reply to all feedback within a day, and you can choose to block users.
Cost: As a free member, you can browse photos and send messages, although it’s very limited. Premium members enjoy a list of who viewed or ‘liked’ them, advanced filters (such as searching by age or location), and can chat with any member.
1 month = £15.49, 12 months = £68.99
My experience: Without a premium membership, this wasn’t worth doing. My phone kept pinging constant notifications of people who’d liked my profile, but who I couldn’t reply to without splashing the cash.SITE 4: KNKI (www.knkiapp.com) – ‘A free adult chat and BDSM dating app’
Pros: KNKI was initially developed as a community platform in collaboration with kink.com (a leading producer of BDSM porn). Primarily a dating site, it also offers the chance to “make new lifestyle friends and keep up with your entire social network”. It’s very image-heavy, giving it an Instagram flavor, and the focus on photos makes for a fun experience (although NSFW images can only be sent via private message).
Cons: I found the layout – grey with hints of purple – a bit boring. A lot of the users seemed to be 35 or younger – whether this is a result of a younger generation gravitating towards social media more, or a load of fake profiles, I’m not sure.
Community: Much more geared towards one-on-one chats and hookups than anything else.
Safety: If you leave the app, you’ll need to re-input your password to continue. You can also choose to unlock private photos for selected users. But my main worry was the imposed limit on how many profiles you can block as a free user, which could potentially prove worrying.
Cost: Premium membership – becoming a ‘KNKI supporter’ – allows a bigger inbox and enhanced communication options.
1 month = $9.99, 12 months = $88.99
My experience: Great to flirt with international individuals, perhaps not so great to find local links.
SITE 5: Whiplr (www.whiplr.com) – ‘BDSM dating. Kinky chat. Fetish community’.
Pros: Claiming to be the world’s premier kinky messenger, Whiplr boasts access to the “world’s biggest online fetish community”. It’s slick, it’s professionally put together, and it offers something for everyone – whether you’re kink-curious or an experienced aficionado. Whether you search by location or fetish, you’re likely to find “delicious new friends nearby for dating and play”.
Cons: Of the kinky roles to ‘identify’ as, Whiplr only currently lists Dom/Domme, sub, and switch.
Community: You can search for and join groups by interests or location, and engage with a community eager to share its insight and experience. If you’re looking to learn a little more about the BDSM scene before hooking up with someone specific, it’s a great site to start with. Upcoming events are also listed according to location, giving you more scope to meet members of the community – as well as play partners – in real life.
Safety: Safety seems paramount on this site. Unlike WhatsApp, all communication here is done ‘in-app’ (including messaging, calling and video chat) without the need to expose personal contact details such as telephone numbers. When deleted, messages are also permanently removed from the recipient’s device.
Numerous ‘Whiplr Tips’ shown in a sidebar – such as taking care of your toys –include safety-conscious features: from blocking other members, to deleting messages, all the way up to advice for meeting in real life.
Cost: Free users can browse up to 100 profiles and chat with up to 10, initiate 3 voice / video calls, and swipe 25 profiles in 24hrs. A premium membership – ‘Dekadom’ – removes these limits.
1st month = $9.95, Ongoing = $29.95 a month
My experience: Even as a free user, it functions well. And I loved being able to start chats without having to divulge my phone number. Sexy, stylish, and safe-feeling!SITE 6: Fetish.com (www.fetish.com) – ‘The kink-positive BDSM community for fetish dating’
Pros: A good combination of dating sites and networking platform, fetish.com has a lot to offer. Users can create a personal dating ad – with options including ‘no strings, swingers, BDSM lovers and cybersex’ – and profiles are displayed with distance and time considerations. As well as dating and hookups, you can also search for ‘munch buddies’ (for social meets), club buddies and play partners.
Cons: Although you can put a user on ‘ignore’, they have to have sent you a message first to be able to initiate this – meaning you cannot preemptively block profiles you don’t want to allow access to. Also, paid subscribers have priority in contacting new and popular members.
Community: The ‘fetish and BDSM forum’ are grouped into several subheadings – ranging from a beginner’s guide, through to different kinks and non-sexual / social topics. The online ‘BDSM training school “offers assistance and inspiration on a variety of topics, from pegging to pet play, with professional instructors” – helping you build confidence and connect with the community, “creating support networks without fear of judgement”. Although most content comes at a small paid premium, they certainly seem like a great learning aid.
Safety: Forums are closely monitored by moderators. When a private message pings up, underneath their text, you have the option to immediately send a ‘no thanks’ response or alternatively, ‘report something fishy’ directly to the site’s support team. A ‘profile verification check’ is an optional feature – requiring a user to upload a selfie, which is reviewed by moderators only – but which also earns you a ‘tick’ on your profile, reassuring others that you’ve achieved an extra level of authenticity.
Cost: Free users can view thir last 5 profile visitors within a 24hr time limit. Premium subscribers can see 18+ photos and videos, attach photos to messages and unmask profile visitors.
First month free, then: 1 month = €35.90, 6 months = €53.90, 12 months = €89.90.
My experience: I really liked this one. There’s a lot of content accessible as a non-paying member – including the wealth of interaction on the forums – as well as the dating ads. Sure, everything is promotable for a premium – but it still ‘works’ without.SITE 7: FET (www.fet-app.com) – ‘FET: Discover the fetish universe’
Pros: A home screen allows you to filter what you’d like to see, including photos, personal ads, discussions and events. Again, this site offers quite an open list of who you’d like to meet – including couples, nonbinary and trans individuals. Chat rooms are split into three: an introductory ‘lobby’, ‘BDSM lovers’, and ‘kinksters and fetishists’.
Cons: Of all the hot women on this site (which doesn’t seem an obvious cause for complaint!), there seem to be a lot of fake accounts. I got chatting to a few girls who seemed genuine, but given the overwhelming bias towards women vs men, I doubt they were all who they claimed. And as I couldn’t find many people in my area, it’s not the best site for local hookups.
Community: Aims itself at everyone – from newbies to experienced kinksters – offering a “safe place to learn and encourage BDSM”. The ‘BDSM magazine’ regularly posts informative articles such as ‘Our guide to fisting – a finger too far?’.
Safety: Although the app is available in several languages, moderators ask that forums are all in English. Live-stream video must be in ‘real time’ (no recordings), and financial transactions are banned. In-app safety features (blocking and reporting) are also available.
Cost: Free users are limited in their communication, whereas premium members can see who’s interested or who has viewed them. “Superpowers” are available to paying users.
My experience: Fun to flirt with girls around the world, but I doubt I’d take it any further.
SITE 8: Feeld (www.feeld.co ) – ‘Threesome dating app for couples and singles’
Pros: If you’re into ‘consensual non-monogamy’, or looking to experiment with a third person in bed, Feeld can help make that happen. With kink options alongside polyamorous possibilities (as of April 2021, 60% of members who log in do so as an existing couple), the app prides itself on its inclusivity with over 20 sexual identities to choose from. Also – no unsolicited dick pics! Hurrah!
Cons: Inexperienced to the ‘open relationship’ lifestyle? This can be confusing at times (unless you already know what a ‘polycule’ is), and it’s worth remembering this isn’t a site specifically for swingers (the app claims to be a ‘non-prescriptive space’ rather than a hookup app). Also, the fetish element is more a sideline to the polyamory on offer.
Community: The app boasts a “open and welcoming community” which, for the most part, seems to hold up. Users can also opt in to an email newsletter – ‘Feeld Experiences’ – listing talks, social and community events, and lifestyle advice.
Safety: Feeld offers advice to keep first dates “light and casual”, a sensible start. Within the app, incidents can be reported to a dedicated support team, who hold the power to suspend or block accounts (including suspected catfish).
Cost: Free members can use this site surprisingly thoroughly, and I’ve gone on to meet people in real life without requiring the premium features available to ‘Majestic’ members’ (such as an ‘incognito mode’, the ability to add private photos and filter by desires). ‘Pings’, a form of notification, can also be purchased separately.
One month = £15, 3 months = £30
My experience: As with all dating apps, I’ve had a few bad experiences mixed in amongst the good – including someone asking to pay me for sex – although another few have gone well. It doesn’t quite press all my kink buttons, but depending on who you get talking to, can be worthwhile.
SITE 9: Alt.com (www.alt.com) – ‘BDSM and alternative lifestyle personals’
Pros: A substantial site listing personal adds, for those seeking BDSM and fetish fun. The topics covered in the groups are extensive – including water sports, scat and cuckolding – and if someone’s specific fetish floats your boat, you might find them here. Their kink “purity test” (with a score 1-100) also lets you “find out if you’re a sexual overachiever or a naughty newbie”.
Cons: Forum topics aren’t always that well-commented on. The instant messenger feature allows you to contact users online (also filtered by location), but is not available for free. Even then, I only found 4 women within 100 miles of my location, which suggested the chances of more than a chat (or virtual sex) were limited.
Community: Write and read others’ blog posts, build a friend network (much like a social media site), join location and interest-orientated forums.
Safety: I was asked for contact details in my first message by a profile that was quite clearly a bot. However, the sidebar of the instant messenger window did advise me – perhaps ironically – never to divulge contact info in a first message.
Cost: Free members can view profiles and post in the forums, but instant messaging is restricted to premium members. “Naughty photos” are restricted to paid subscribers, as are adult movies (interestingly, the only site to offer this option). 2 premium options are available: silver and gold.
Gold: One month = £28.63, 3 months = £57.09
Silver: One month = £18.99, 3 months = £34.25
My experience: Very much a pay-to-play – between Alt and Fetlife, I’d choose the latter.
SITE 10: BDSM hookups (www.mybdsmhookups.com) – ‘Find a dominatrix near you’
Pros: As with all dating sites, this one offers a range of options: from relationship, romance, longterm meets and casual sex. A variety of forums seem to be the best bet to find someone, including the forum ‘Instant Action’ for quick hookups. If you’re into the swinging scene, several forum sub-groups – including ‘wife swapping’ and ‘soft swap’- are grouped under the overall BDSM heading.
Cons: The homescreen (pre-login) suggests the site’s geared towards submissive men seeking dominant females, although it does cater for a broader range of kinks once you’re in. During registration, upon being asked “what do you want to explore”, only 3 options are available: sub, Dom and switch. Also, the “some of my turn ons” field only lists 9 suggestions, which doesn’t even begin to cover my varied list of kinks I’d like to connect with.
Community: A very useful feature lists clubs and events by location, as well as providing user reviews (I looked up a few of my favorite local haunts and was pleased to see them there!). ‘The social scene’ forum also posts listings of upcoming events, club nights and private parties.
Safety: A ‘profile review’ feature verifies if you have met another member in person, or can confirm you’ve had a great online interaction with them. This recommendation is reviewed by admins and, if deemed genuine, will feature on that member’s profile.
Cost: Again, it’s difficult to interact without paying the premium – you can see who’s looked at or liked your profile – but you can’t send or receive messages without it. Premium members can view private media galleries, access priority content moderation, and use the all-important instant messenger.
One month = £22.46, 3 months = £17.98
My experience: This site felt like a swinging site masquerading as a BDSM site, which isn’t quite my flavor of fun, although I did really rate the event reviews section.
Conclusion...
If you’re curious about exploring the world of BDSM dating sites and apps, there are a lot of options open to you!
Personally, Whiplr remains my go-to app – I love the in-app message feature and the sense of security the platform promises. Alternatively, Fetlife is my favorite place to connect with - and ‘learn the ropes’ from - the wider kinky community.
To me, both FetD and alt.com felt restrictive as a free subscriber (if you’re going to get tied into something, I’d rather it wasn’t a payment plan) - and although Feeld didn’t quite push my fetish buttons, it was still an exciting experience.
But now it’s your turn to find some ‘fun and friendship’ online! Let us know how you get on – and be sure to say hi to Amelia, bisexual switch, looking for play partners, and perhaps more…